Day 31: Six pounds. Nine days. Let's do this.

High protein day yesterday was a success! Now, if only I had done that on Monday :) Still not the huge weight loss that I wanted, but I think I broke through my set weight. I hope so, anyway. Tomorrow will be the big test...as long as the scale keeps moving DOWN, I'm good. Back on program today. I'm not hungry at all anymore, so I actually have to remind myself to eat :) Which is a strange, but very good, thing.

I would really REALLY REALLY like to lose 6 more pounds before this phase ends. That means I have to lose about a half a pound a day through the end of this phase. That sounds like a lot, but it's totally doable. I woke up this morning determined to get that blasted T-shirt that has sat, wrapped, on top of my dresser for 18 months. I WILL be wearing it in 9 days. I believe in myself. It helps that I have some awesome readers who also believe in me :)

I made some tomato soup the other night. It was super tasty, AND diet friendly:

2 Cups vegetable broth I used organic stock because it had less calories
2 Cups fresh to tomatoes, diced and seeded
2 T garlic, minced
2 t garlic powder
5-6 basil leaves
oregano, marjoram, salt and pepper to taste

Blend everything together until smooth. Put in soup pot and bring to a boil. Reduce heat and let simmer for 20 minutes. Garnish with fresh basil. Makes two 1 cup servings. Counts as a vegetable serving.

It was warm and yummy. I made Tim tomato soup out of a can that night. I think I liked mine better :)

Day 18: Ugh!

I'm .2 away from my first goal. .2! That could be anything!!! I kept stepping on the scale just to see if I could magically get that last .2 to go away, but no luck. So, hopefully tomorrow. I guess it's just good incentive to be really good today and hope that tomorrow is another big day!

But, still. UGH!

I did my measurements for the third time last night. To-date I've lost 10 inches off various parts of my body (3.5 waist, 4.2 chest, 1.3, thigh, 1 arm), which is crazy to me. My clothes are starting to feel a little looser. I'm hoping another 10 lbs and I'll really notice the difference.

Yesterday was the first day someone other than Tim noticed I was losing weight. YAY for that.

I'm nervous about tomorrow. We are going to an Eagle watch (in the bitter cold) and then Tim wants to eat at a BBQ restaurant in Terre Haute. I so want him to still be enjoying everything, but I just don't know that there is anything there that I can eat. So, I'm thinking I will pack some strawberries and chicken and just eat that while he eats tempting, mouth-watering yummy food. He did say we could skip the pie factory this time.

One of the hardest parts of this has been balancing wanting to make sure he's happy and enjoying dinners, etc and my discipline. This is, by far, the most disciplined I've ever been on a diet. I think I'm just scared to cheat, because if I cheat I know I'll cheat again. I'm 18 days into this crazy thing and there are still SOOO many days to go. I haven't had a gain, yet. I had three days of close to stalling last week. But I didn't cheat, even though I wanted to.

I do miss family dinners. I miss eating with my husband and just that time together. I know it's all temporary, but temporary feels like forever right now!

I am so excited to get to phase 3. There are so many recipes I've found that I want to try; so many yummy things to eat and plan and enjoy. It's amazing what adding more fruits and some cheese to my diet is going to do for me. I'm still anxious to be able to eat cereal again. Is that phase 4?

Day 14: Feeling a little better...and worse.

Day 14. I finally had another good loss after a slow weekend. I really focused yesterday on eating right and drinking lots of water. Then, yesterday during an afternoon of sportsball watching (IU bball and both playoff games) I also did a lot of reading on an forum I found. There were probably equal amounts of people that were doing this program successfully and people who, once they stopped the hardcore part, gained all their weight back. I know forums are a beast of all their own, but it was interesting, and humbling to read. I've been spending a lot of time in prayer about this diet; if it's the right thing for me and if it is something that I should continue. It's not just that I spent money on it; I want to do what is right and what is healthy for my body.

I don't see how what I'm eating is bad for me at all. The amounts, maybe. But I look at my plate and I'm honestly getting a good amount of food. It's just low calorie food! Sure, I could have more protein or maybe a big salad instead of just spinach, but still, I'm getting good food. I can't help it if the 2 cups of spinach I had for dinner last night with my hotsauce chicken and strawberries was only 20 calories. For 2 cups! That's a lot of spinach!

Not explaining the diet, just telling people I am cutting carbs and sugars from my diet, and I get so much "oh, you'll fail." "That will never work." "The second you eat anything you've been ignoring, you'll gain it all back." I hear very little good for you, I bet that's good for your body, etc. I'm a little frustrated that so many people seem to know I am going to fail. That's different than the friends that are just worried that this is too extreme. It's the people that expect me to fail. I've always been the fat girl; I will always be the fat girl.

And, apparently this blog is my form of therapy during this whole process. Because, here's the thing. Will I eat pizza again? Heck, yes. Will I eat pasta? Sure. Will I enjoy Olive Garden on the rare day? Yup. But, I want to change how I eat. I want to change how I think about food. I want to reach for an apple when I'm craving a sweet snack instead of chocolate. I want this to be about jumpstarting a lifestyle change. I have no plans to go back to my lots of fast food, lots of high fat, high carb ways. I want this to be the beginning of something new.

I always saw this as a jumpstart. A way to get my body used to eating. And a way to get through detox without cheating. This is not the end of my weightloss journey; it's only the beginning. I refuse to be one of those people who does this "crash" diet and then immediately gains everything back. I will have days where I eat a lot of calories and enjoy it. And then I will have days when I eat fruits and veggies and nuts and enjoy that.

I just want more people to believe in me. And less people to think I'm a failure before I've really begun. I guess that's why my friend didn't tell anyone what she was doing; she didn't want to deal with the naysayers.Sometimes I wish I would have kept my mouth shut, too!

Day 8: A Little Cheat, A Little Guilt

Yesterday was one of the hardest days on the diet yet. I don't really know why. I was tired. I was sitting at my desk all day. I wanted something fun to eat. I didn't want to sit and eat another veggie, another fruit, another...ugh.

So, yes, I cheated a little. I had a piece of candy. I ate mustard on the hamburger I had for dinner. And yes, I feel a little guilty about it. But my sweet friend Liz helped put it in perspective for me this morning. She said, "if you feel badly about spilling a little milk, you don't just dump the gallon on the floor." Before, for me, cheating a little meant the whole day, maybe even the whole week was ruined. I convinced myself I couldn't do it, that I would fail, that I was a failure.

Liz helped remind me that I'm not. No, cheating isn't ideal. But it's okay. It happens. What matters is how I react to the cheating. I can either freak out, consider everything I've done a loss and be angry. Or, I can just admit it happened, be okay with it and move forward. For the first time in my life-long battle with food I am learning to move on.

Yesterday I also read a lot of studies and concerns about this diet. I managed to freak myself out a little bit. Tim and I talked through a lot last night and I've decided that I'm going to stick with it, at least for now. I am going to up my calories a little, though. Because I'm still feeling gross, lightheaded and a little weak. I'm not going to add extra calories with "bad" food, though. Right now I'm planning on adding an extra serving of fruit. Because at some point I have to be able to eat more than 500 calories and not make myself sick or immediately gain all the weight back.

Day 6: Not the most positive post in the world.

Warning: Today I don't feel well, I'm tired and I'm doing a fantastic job feeling sorry for myself. Read on with caution.

Last night I had a hard time sleeping. I woke up with a sore throat, an upset stomach, achy and just not feeling well. And, as a result, I am feeling sorry for myself and hateful toward this diet today. When I'm sick, I want comfort foods. I want Popsicles to sooth my throat, sprite and chicken & stars. I want ginger ale and the comfort of the bubbles in my throat. I don't know how much of this is my body fighting something and how much of it is the detox from day 4 of eating very little, but I am not a happy camper today.

This morning's weight loss wasn't great either. Just 1/2 a lb. I know it's still a loss, but feeling as gross as I am it just doesn't seem worth it. I would love some carbs and sugar today. I know this is where the discipline comes in, but I don't like it! And then, I get mad at myself for letting it get so out of control again. I hate that I've gained and lost the same 10 lbs a whole bunch of times in the last few years. I hate that I've let my body go, that I've gotten to the point where I am ashamed of myself. That it's my own fault for being here, in this position, and now having to deny myself what I enjoy because I have an issue.

I've cried some tears today. I've felt sorry for myself and sick of not getting to do the things I love and eat the foods I love. Because, I love food. I love eating and celebrating and sharing a meal. And I hate that I don't feel like I can do that now.

For posterity, keeping in mind I haven't felt well all day:

Breakfast: drops, water
Lunch: drops, 1 medium orange
Dinner: drops, same chicken mixture from last night, but only ate about half. No Melba toast. I may eat that for a snack in a bit if the soup sits okay.

Tomorrow I'll try to be more positive; right now I'm just blah.

Day 4: Why Do Mashed Potatoes Smell So Good?

I survived my first low-cal day. I had a pretty good headache going by the end of the day and I went to bed hungry, but I did it. I didn't cheat. I didn't snack. I didn't even lick the mashed potato spoon when I was putting dinner away (even though I SOOOO wanted to).

I had to run a couple errands after work, so by the time I got home, I was feeling pretty down. I was hungry and tired and I didn't think I could do this thing. Part of me was ready to throw in the towel and cheat, just a little. But, instead I bought a food scale (because I have no idea where my other one is), measured out my dinner, and ate.It helped that my husband is such a huge supporter. He even bought me a card to tell me how proud he was of me for trying this.

Now, don't let the size of that steak fool you. It was about 1/4 of an inch thick! That is 100g of extra lean sirloin right there. Tim's plate look similar, except he had mashed potatoes instead of cucumber. You should know mashers are my favorite. So not eating them last night was definitely the discipline part of the diet. But I did it!

And this morning, I did what I was supposed to do. I stepped on the scale. And, according to that bane of my existence, I was 3.8 pounds lighter than the same time 24 hours prior. Now, I know that could be a number of things and may not indicate a true loss. But, my fear was I would make it through yesterday and it wouldn't make any difference on the scale. Whew.

So, today is day 2. I woke up hungry. I'm drinking a big ol' glass of water before getting some coffee. I made lunch last night:

Apple, broccoli, cottage cheese and melba toast. I won't be eating cottage cheese this much normally, it was just quick and easy when I haven't had a good day to sit down and portion out my meats and foods!

Dinner tonight will be pretty much exactly the same as last night. Then over the weekend, I am going to find some good recipes/ways to prepare food. Otherwise this is going to get old fast. I am a little nervous about what the weekend will bring. Lots of time at home and that will mean lots of times when I normally snack...plus I'm already a little sad about not eating out after church. I know it will be worth it, but it's still hard!

Day 2: Eat What You Love

The first two days of the diet are interesting. You start taking the drops, but you eat high-fat, yummy food that you love. It seems counter-intuitive, but all the literature talks about how important this phase is. And, I'll be honest, I embraced it. Tuesday was full of favorite, carb-rich foods and some of my favorite bubbly beverages.

The Drops: They're fine. Vaguely medicinal tasting. By the time you wait the 15 seconds after putting them under your tongue, they're mostly absorbed. It's interesting. I don't know the science behind how that works. I have a feeling lunch is going to be the hardest part of taking the drops. I am not advertising this to a lot of people - I don't know why. Maybe it's part of that shame thing I'm still working through. So today I had to take my drops in the restroom at the restaurant we went to for lunch. I did it, though. And that was a small success, because before I would have probably skipped them and told myself I was going to fail.

I think one of the reasons I can stick with this is because my husband believes in me. He is also willing to not eat out, to not tempt me and to eat healthier in support of me. I have a feeling Sundays will be the hardest. I usually get a pastry from the media booth for breakfast and then we go out for lunch afterward. And for the next 6 Sundays, at least, that won't be possible. And part of me is sad about that because I want to do what I love. I want to eat out with friends. I want to break bread together. I want to not have this issue.

I'm angry that I've let my weight get out of control again. And I'm letting that be the voice in my head instead of the voice that says this is temporary and this can change.

Today is another day of good foods and a big ol' Polar Pop.

I'm trying to stay positive, but I'm already so nervous that I will fail. That people will be disappointed in me. That I will disappoint myself.

Day 1: Why This? Why Now?

It's no great secret that I've had an issue with weight for most of my life. I've always been heavy. I've always hated it about myself. I've always struggled to lose weight, to maintain loss, to feel comfortable in my own skin...and I'm just plain sick and tired of it.

I've tried weight watchers. It worked the first time. And, I'm sure it would work again if I was disciplined enough to really stay on program (although the most recent versions confuse me).I come up with excuses every single time. Why I don't lose weight. Why I can't stop eating certain foods. Why I am just going to be like this forever.

I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of feeling like a failure.
I'm sick of feeling like I can't do it.
I'm sick of being the fat girl.
I'm sick of being embarrassed by my body.
I'm sick of letting my weight keep me from embracing life.
I'm sick of this part of myself.
I'm sick of letting it control me.
I'm sick of not doing something about it.
I'm sick of excuses.
I'm sick of failure.
I'm sick of shame.

So, today I start the HCG Diet. I'll be honest, had I just looked it up online, I would have assumed it was a scam; a gimmick to get me to spend good money on something that will not really work. I would have almost let myself be talked into it, but I would not have done it. But, my friend Pam has done it. She's smart. She's healthy. She loves food. And she's lost a good deal of weight (weight I didn't know she even needed/wanted to lose). She looks great. She feels great. And she did it.

So, I've started. It's going to be hard. It's going to be limiting. It's going to be a lot of work. But, here's the thing. I feel like I can do it. It will be a sacrifice. It will mean saying no to eating out, to comfort foods, to soda, to everything I think I cannot live without (food-wise). But I can do it. It's not forever. It's about detoxing. Teaching my body to crave good foods. To allow splurges and enjoy treats.

It's about taking control of this thing that has always controlled me.