Day 24: Hard to keep track of the days

First of all, I made a great dinner last night: chicken, garlic, orange segments, ginger, lemon juice. Saute it all and let it sit covered for about 20 minutes on low. I put it on a bed of Boston lettuce (okay, life half a head of Boston lettuce) with some Bragg's Amino Acids on it. Yummy, warm and filling. I think that is part of what I've been missing on this diet - I haven't been cooking and experimenting like I would like!

I'm in a comfortable routine at this point. Get up, weigh in, go to work, drink coffee, lunch, work, dinner, relax. I'm not doing a whole lot, but it's fine. When I first started this, i thought blogging every day would be easy. The reality is, though, there's just not a lot to say from one day to the next.  I am so excited to see Liz on Saturday and to hang out with my small group friends on Sunday. I am a little nervous what being way off schedule will do to my diet and weight loss, but it's fine.

There are foods I miss, but I'm actually excited that this is my new lifestyle. I'm looking forward to some little splurges here and there, but mostly I'm happy with the food I'm eating and I'm happy with the way I'm approaching food. I'm looking forward to eating more, and adding more dairy and fat to my diet, but it's all good.

I've lost 19 lbs. I would love to lose another pound before tomorrow, but my weight loss has slowed down a lot this week. Four weeks in, and I guess I shouldn't be surprised. But boo to slowing down!

Day 23: Patience is a Virtue

I'm finding myself easily disappointed in small movements on the scale this week. I think it's because I'm so close to that 20 lb mark - I just want to get there already! But, then I'll want to get to 25 - then 30, then - it's never going to end, even when I'm finally at goal (whatever goal ends up being). I'm finding my original goal maybe a little hard to get to!

I've been thinking a lot about what the post Phase 2 of this diet is going to look like - I'm excited, scared and nervous all at once. I want to not stop where I end in the middle of February. I know I need to go through Phase 3 and 4 and do it right. But, I want to keep losing after that. I've read people have a hard time losing after doing this without doing that again, but I'm stubborn and determined, so hopefully that won't be a problem!

Me and water are going to be buddies. I'm on program and hoping for a BIG loss tomorrow!

Day 22: No Loss

Bodies are dumb. Sometimes I just have to remind myself of that. Today was the first day with no movement on the scale one way or the other. I was good on program yesterday and was fine with my water. I think bodies are just dumb sometimes.

So there's that :)

Short and sweet today!

Day 21: Recovery Feels Grand

Day 21.

If I was on the shorter program, I would be just a few days away from moving on to the next Phase and reintroducing some of my favorite foods to the diet. I've been going crazy on Pinterest lately pinning yummy recipes that (I think) will be lifestyle appropriate for the rest of my life. I do miss my carbs, but not like I thought I would. I feel good. I feel healthier than I've felt in years. I do miss the ease and convenience of picking up a sandwich when I'm pooped from cooking and cleaning. Mostly I miss hot foods. I feel like I don't have enough of a choice when it comes to warm, yummy food. I'm sure there are recipes out there that I could find to make Phase 2 more enjoyable. And, since I still have 19 days left of this, it might be time to find some of those recipes. I think I'll risk adding some cauliflower to my diet this week and see what that does. Apparently most people don't have problems adding it at this stage.

I'm now just a couple pounds away from where I was when I got married. Hard to believe. It's taken over 6 years to get back to it. I've gained and lost and gained and lost for a long time. Breaking through my next goal (in just 8.8 lbs) will put me just a few pounds away from where I was when Tim and I started dating. That's crazy.

I don't feel like my body is changing all that much, still. I guess it is because I see myself every day. But, who knows. I'm getting anxious to work out more. I want to do crunches and sit ups and even my silly Wii Fit. I haven't been getting enough exercise these last few weeks (frigid temps don't help), and I'm ready to get active again.

I found some Hansen's fruit punch to flavor water this week. It's sweetened with Stevia, which is the approved sweetener for this phase, so I'm hoping it won't affect weight loss. I also bought a 6 pack of black cherry Zevia, which is a soda-like drink. I'm hoping it will take the edge off wanting a diet coke!

Day 20: Halfway Home

Whelp, the diet is 1/2 way done (at least this portion). It's Sunday, so that means I had to get up earlier than usual and weigh in about 2.5 hours before I normally do. The result of that was that I was up .2 for the first time during this whole thing.

Now, there was a time when a teeny gain like that would send me into obsessive-psycho mode, but this morning it didn't. I was just like, whelp, that could be anything. Weighing in at a different time; eating all my food later than normal, water weight, body flux. I'm not freaking out. I'm disappointed, because even staying the same would have been nice, but I don't feel bad about having dinner out with Tim last night. I don't feel bad about enjoying my smoked chicken on a bed of lettuce. It wasn't bad for me. I've lots 16.4 lbs in 18 days. I think that's something to celebrate, and I'm not letting one bad morning on the scale send me into over-zealous mode or convince me that this isn't worth doing.

It may be natural for some, but for me, my borderline obsessive personality with dieting, and my emotional reactions to most things, this is called PROGRESS.

Day 19: Goal One Met

This morning I woke up, stepped on the scale, held my breath and was so happy to see that I lost a pound. I met my first goal on this diet, whichmakes me so happy!

At the same time, I'm really struggling with boredom and wanting to just eat more variety of foods. Not just "bad" foods, but I would love to mix my veggies, have a big, filling meal, etc. I'm not sure how the post detox phase of this goes. I know those 3 weeks are about maintaining, and I don't want to maintain at this weight. But, at the same time, 22 more days of eating basically the same thing over and over again is getting old fast. Had I to do it again, I would have started with the 26 day plan! But, here I am. At least the weekdays tend to go quickly!!

Today I ate out for the first time on this diet. I'm praying that it doesn't backfire on me on the scale tomorrow. I was good; smoked chicken and salad with lemon juice for dressing. But still, I will be eating just a bit for dinner and hoping that I stay on the downward scale. I'm yet to gain weight back, just those three days of almost stalling. But, i powered through that, so I think I can make it!

Day 18: Ugh!

I'm .2 away from my first goal. .2! That could be anything!!! I kept stepping on the scale just to see if I could magically get that last .2 to go away, but no luck. So, hopefully tomorrow. I guess it's just good incentive to be really good today and hope that tomorrow is another big day!

But, still. UGH!

I did my measurements for the third time last night. To-date I've lost 10 inches off various parts of my body (3.5 waist, 4.2 chest, 1.3, thigh, 1 arm), which is crazy to me. My clothes are starting to feel a little looser. I'm hoping another 10 lbs and I'll really notice the difference.

Yesterday was the first day someone other than Tim noticed I was losing weight. YAY for that.

I'm nervous about tomorrow. We are going to an Eagle watch (in the bitter cold) and then Tim wants to eat at a BBQ restaurant in Terre Haute. I so want him to still be enjoying everything, but I just don't know that there is anything there that I can eat. So, I'm thinking I will pack some strawberries and chicken and just eat that while he eats tempting, mouth-watering yummy food. He did say we could skip the pie factory this time.

One of the hardest parts of this has been balancing wanting to make sure he's happy and enjoying dinners, etc and my discipline. This is, by far, the most disciplined I've ever been on a diet. I think I'm just scared to cheat, because if I cheat I know I'll cheat again. I'm 18 days into this crazy thing and there are still SOOO many days to go. I haven't had a gain, yet. I had three days of close to stalling last week. But I didn't cheat, even though I wanted to.

I do miss family dinners. I miss eating with my husband and just that time together. I know it's all temporary, but temporary feels like forever right now!

I am so excited to get to phase 3. There are so many recipes I've found that I want to try; so many yummy things to eat and plan and enjoy. It's amazing what adding more fruits and some cheese to my diet is going to do for me. I'm still anxious to be able to eat cereal again. Is that phase 4?

Day 17: The Mental Block

I think there comes a point in every diet, lifestyle change, whatever you call it, where it becomes mind over matter. I am not particularly craving anything, other than peppermint, because I LOVE peppermint. I am enjoying my fruit, veggies and even didn't hate the Tilapia I made for dinner last night. Things are going great.

Here is where the discipline comes in: I want to snack. I want just a bit of this and a bit of that. I'm a little hungry, but more than that, I just like to have a piece of candy or a roll with dinner. That has been the harder part of this process this week. I'm getting used to the diet, but I want the social stuff to be normal. Two days in a row of lunchtime appointments have me stressed and frustrated because I want to share in meals with friends without telling the whole world that I'm on a diet. I look to next weekend and know I will have a hard weekend of hanging out with a friend, doing a Super Bowl party, etc. Lots of temptations in lots of places. I hope I'm strong enough to stay on target!

And, quite frankly, I do miss eating out some. I like the eating out experience a lot. I know we're saving a ton of money, but having someone else prepare and clean up a meal sounds divine right now!

In other news, I lost my 15th lb today.
I'm .8 from my first goal. After that, I have several other goals to reach. 
I'm 11.8 from a t-shirt Tim bought me a year ago that was a weight loss gift (that never took off). 
I'm 21.8 from a DVD that's been waiting for me as another gift for over a year.
I'm 28.8 from the thinnest I've been in my adult life.

It all still seems so overwhelming to me, but I have to think of how far I've come! I would love to at least hit that T-shirt goal before this phase of the diet is over. Right now I'm more than on pace to do that. I'm less than halfway through the phase (if I do the full 40 days).

Here's to hoping!

Day 16: In a routine...and wanting to break it.

Since I started the diet portion of this plan, I have lost a pound a day. That's crazy to think about. I've been eating right, and generally feeling good about it. I have had a couple tiny cheats here and there (a bite of brownie, a piece of candy) but overall, I've been better at this and more dedicated to it than I have been anything in the last 8 years or so. I think for me part of it has been the limiting options. As bored as I am of food, I don't find myself adding just a little extra pasta to my serving, or not really measuring out my food. I am sticking to the plan, and it is working. It's just such a slow process, still. I don't look any different. My clothes don't fit any different. I am waiting for those changes to kick in and then I think I'll feel like it's been worth it.

Today I want to cheat on my diet. Not because of anything specific, but just because fries and a diet coke sound perfect. This is also the first time since starting this thing that I don't have dinner planned out and I don't have long to eat between work and the basketball game. That's when I'd usually run through a drivethru or throw a pizza in the oven to eat quickly. But, I'm determined not to do that today. Even though it sounds so much easier and more fun than going to the grocery store in that limited time.

Today is the first day where the fact that I'm  not supposed to eat the same protein for both meals is also frustrating. I had chicken for lunch. If I could have chicken for dinner, I would do that. But, I can't. So...plan B.

I would like some Tuna. That actually sounds really good. Is Tuna allowed? Time to do some Internet research!

Day 15: Passing Tests

Another okay loss last night. As much as I want to be one of those people that loses a lot of weight on  this diet, it looks like I will be pretty much average. Not that that is a bad thing - average is still a lot less than I weighed when I started this thing.

So far, I haven't had to be in too many social situations where my diet has caused me to struggle. Today was the first time. I am typing this blog post at the food court of the local mall. The 14 other people I am in an all-day meeting with today are at lunch together at a Chinese restaurant. I didn't go. It was hard. I am proud of myself for not cheating, but I'm feeling a little lonely.

I know the extreme part of the diet is just temporary, but right now it feels like forever.

I've been debating doing the 26 day plan instead of the 40. I know I have more than enough weight to do the 40. The 26 might work better with my life schedule in February. But on the other hand, what's 14 more days when I've already done so much.  Right now another 25 days of this seems like a LONG time. Another 11 doesn't seem so overwhelming.

Decisions, decisions....

Day 14: Feeling a little better...and worse.

Day 14. I finally had another good loss after a slow weekend. I really focused yesterday on eating right and drinking lots of water. Then, yesterday during an afternoon of sportsball watching (IU bball and both playoff games) I also did a lot of reading on an forum I found. There were probably equal amounts of people that were doing this program successfully and people who, once they stopped the hardcore part, gained all their weight back. I know forums are a beast of all their own, but it was interesting, and humbling to read. I've been spending a lot of time in prayer about this diet; if it's the right thing for me and if it is something that I should continue. It's not just that I spent money on it; I want to do what is right and what is healthy for my body.

I don't see how what I'm eating is bad for me at all. The amounts, maybe. But I look at my plate and I'm honestly getting a good amount of food. It's just low calorie food! Sure, I could have more protein or maybe a big salad instead of just spinach, but still, I'm getting good food. I can't help it if the 2 cups of spinach I had for dinner last night with my hotsauce chicken and strawberries was only 20 calories. For 2 cups! That's a lot of spinach!

Not explaining the diet, just telling people I am cutting carbs and sugars from my diet, and I get so much "oh, you'll fail." "That will never work." "The second you eat anything you've been ignoring, you'll gain it all back." I hear very little good for you, I bet that's good for your body, etc. I'm a little frustrated that so many people seem to know I am going to fail. That's different than the friends that are just worried that this is too extreme. It's the people that expect me to fail. I've always been the fat girl; I will always be the fat girl.

And, apparently this blog is my form of therapy during this whole process. Because, here's the thing. Will I eat pizza again? Heck, yes. Will I eat pasta? Sure. Will I enjoy Olive Garden on the rare day? Yup. But, I want to change how I eat. I want to change how I think about food. I want to reach for an apple when I'm craving a sweet snack instead of chocolate. I want this to be about jumpstarting a lifestyle change. I have no plans to go back to my lots of fast food, lots of high fat, high carb ways. I want this to be the beginning of something new.

I always saw this as a jumpstart. A way to get my body used to eating. And a way to get through detox without cheating. This is not the end of my weightloss journey; it's only the beginning. I refuse to be one of those people who does this "crash" diet and then immediately gains everything back. I will have days where I eat a lot of calories and enjoy it. And then I will have days when I eat fruits and veggies and nuts and enjoy that.

I just want more people to believe in me. And less people to think I'm a failure before I've really begun. I guess that's why my friend didn't tell anyone what she was doing; she didn't want to deal with the naysayers.Sometimes I wish I would have kept my mouth shut, too!

Day 13: When I am thinner

(another low weight loss today. Frustrating, but I know mentally I haven't been as committed to the process as I should be the last few days. I'm still not cheating, but I'm just not into it. I'm not interested in eating, just kind of blah. So, a pep talk from Pam and an internal evaluation that I either have to be committed to the process or not and I'm back today).

Instead of another boring, blog summary of what I've ate and what I've lost, i thought I would do a fun list of 10 things I'd like to do when I'm thinner. I will not say skinny, because I don't know that skinny and I will ever really co-exist. But, I will be thinner and healthier!

1. Ride a Zip Line

I've always wanted to do it, even though it terrifies me. But, I've always convinced myself that I'm too heavy and would be to embarrassed to do it.













2. Buy Skinny Jeans

 I love the skinny jeans and boots look, but my chunky legs can't pull it off right now. In fact, I would love to buy clothes that fit my body. Right now everything runs that fine line between baggy and not to baggy. I know how important it to wear clothes that fit, but I also want to hide behind them still. I'm not now, nor will I ever be, a style maven, but I would like to have a little more style than i do now. That will only come when I enjoy shopping and find clothes that fit me better.

I'd also like to buy cute clothes from stores I don't currently shop in because they don't have my size!







3. Run a 5K

 I've walked plenty of 5Ks. I would love to be able to run (okay, jog) one. I am not in shape. I know that's different than losing weight, but I truly believe it will be easier when I'm not carrying around so much extra weight. I feel like that's a reasonable goal.I don't want to run a half marathon or a marathon. There are other ways I enjoy exercising. But I would like to check it off my accomplishment list.





4. Audition More.

 I love, love, love being on stage. I love everything about being an actress. I also feel like my body shape is the first thing people see about me. I don't fit the typical mold of many of the characters that I audition (or would audition) for. I want to not let my weight control my passion for the stage anymore. While I know being skinnier won't necessarily make me get more parts, it will make me more confident as an actress. I don't pretend to be some amazing addition to the Bloomington theater, but I can hold my own. And it's my expression and I love it. I am tired of the first impression being my weight.






5. Hike, Bike and be Outside More

 I really enjoy nature. I want to be able to hike and bike and just be outside without being winded, tired and out of shape. I want to enjoy everything the world has to offer without carrying around a ton of extra weight.








6. Get cute family photos taken

 Tim and I have had no photos taken professionally since we were married. No, I am not skinny at all in them, but they were beautiful pictures. I have avoided pictures of us since then because I am ashamed of myself. I want to get pictures taken this fall where I am happy and confident in myself!












7. Go to Harry Potter World

 My friend Liz and I made a pact that when we both lost 50 lbs, we would go to Harry Potter World together. I know she's already been once, but I'm confident she'd go again with me. She is one of my few friends who understands the struggles, ups and downs, of weight loss and celebrating that kind of milestone together would be awesome!







8. Take a Dance Class

 I have two left feet. That being said, I would really, really, really love to learn how to tap. I took classes when I was younger, but I've forgotten most of it. I think it would be great exercise, and great fun.













9. Swim with Dolphins

 Tim has long promised me that when I hit my goal weight, I can swim with dolphins. It's on the top of my bucket list and a life-long dream I have had. I cannot wait to get my picture taken in that water with those adorable dolphins!




10. Maintain a healthy lifestyle and never go back.

 My entire life I have fought this battle. I want this journey, no matter how long it takes, to be the last time I do this. I want the healthy choices I'm making, choosing to eat the right foods, etc to be a life-long change in me. While I'm doing this program and getting fast results, I know I can't stay on it for long. And that's fine. I want this to be the jump start to a great, healthy, long life!

Day 12: Nothing to report

I'm trying very hard to blog every day of this journey, but I'm running out of things to say. I don't want to be whiny all the time. I don't want to be grumpy and sad or frustrated. Today was a day. I didn't lose anything close to what I was hoping to lose. I've been hungry more today than normal. Going to the grocery store makes me sad and frustrated. Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully the scale will be better.

The strangest part of this diet is stepping on the scale every day. I have never, in my adult life, done that. I have always believed that a weekly weigh-in was enough to see where I really am. Getting on the scale every morning makes me very nervous. I am still not used to it.

Yup, that's all I got today :)

Day 11: a loss is a loss, right?

I knew it was bound to happen sooner or later. I stepped on the scale this morning and it was only .2 down from yesterday. .2 That's nothing. That's a glass of water. That's...frustrating, to say the least. I used to say in weight watchers all the time "a loss is a loss." But, on this diet, it doesn't feel like it. That kind of a loss feels like a failure. That kind of loss feels like I didn't do enough, didn't try hard enough, didn't follow the rules enough.

Yesterday was a rough day, but I felt like I was mostly in control. I just wasn't hungry. I didn't get all my water or my veggies in. I wasnt At all. I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to eat the same thing again and again and again. 10 days in and I am ready for some variety. This is the same issue I have with pretty much every diet I do. They're boring to me. I like variety and spice and fun.

But, today is a new day. I have a goal for this weekend. I have a plan to achieve that goal. As long as I don't get off track with all the yummy food I would rather eat :)

And, can I just say, BLESS MY HUSBAND. He is being awesome about this diet. He is supportive and kind and willing to just do whatever it takes. I am trying hard to make him foods that he enjoys while I munch on my celery sticks. But when I told him I just wasn't ready for him to eat a big ol' pizza in front of me, he didn't even bat an eye. Bless Him.

Day 10: Achievement Unlocked & Looking Back

Ten pounds gone (almost 11). That feels good. Although I still feel overwhelmed because I have so far still to go. I am amazed at the fact that I've lost the equivalent of 40 sticks of butter and don't really feel all that different. I guess that's a commentary on how this is just 1/6 of the weight I want to lose!

Looking back on the last few days, here are some observations:

• I like variety in my food. 10 days in and I'm already wishing I had more options. Even more fruits and veggies would be okay - just something different! I know there are a lot more options if you like seafood, which I just don't. I have some tilapia and I can enjoy some crab, but I'm not forking out that kind of cash for the "real" crabmeat instead of the imitation stuff.
• The water at work tastes funny. When you have to drink as much water as I do, it's really obvious how nasty the water at work is. I either need to invest in bottled water for the office (which seems like that could get pricey fast) or maybe one of those water bottles that filters. I wonder if those work?
• Detox is NO fun. I felt like crap for days. Seriously. I'm still not feeling 100%, but I'm feeling a little better. I went through cramping, aching, headaches, no energy yuckiness for way too long. It was exhasting to me and almost made me throw the towel in.
• There was part of me that was ashamed to be trying this diet, or afraid to share with people that I was doing it. Once I told more people, it didn't feel like a secret that had to be kept. I am so grateful for loving, kind, encouraging people in my life.
• Take your vitamin in the morning. It makes a difference.
• I need more variety in my foods and drinks. Okay, I know I already said that, but looking at thirty more days of eating like this...that's going to be an S-T-R-U-G-G-L-E.
• I'm still a little worried about the nutrients (or lack there of) I am getting. Especially calcium.
• The fat girl inside me still really wants snacks and cookies and diet coke.

Dieting is a hard, annoying journey. So is being unhealthy. I have missed food less than I thought I would, although I feel like I'm having more cravings now that I don't feel bad. Now that I'm feeling a little better, I want a PB&J and some milk. I made it 16 days on South Beach before I wanted to kill people. I'm hoping to make it through this whole protocol. We will see, though!

Things that Weigh 10 lbs

10 lbs lighter.

I wish I looked different.
I wish I felt different.
I wish my clothes were a little loose.
I wish someone would notice.

I guess that just shows how far I have to go. But it's still something to celebrate. So, in honor of losing 10 pounds, here are a few things that weigh 10 pounds!

A 10 Pound Bag of Potatoes

A Standard Bowling Ball

700 Gummy Bears (which I would love to eat - YUM!)

40 Sticks of Butter

12-Pack of Soda

That's 10 pounds I pledge to never have to carry around again. Now, just 50 more to go...

Day 9: Today is a New Day

I know I've said this a couple times, but yesterday was hard. I think, because I am getting more comfortable with the regular parts of the diet (even though I'm still hungry), I found myself wanting to slip back into some unhealthy snacking routines. There were a couple successes, though! I had a meeting last night where there are always yummy, yummy snacks. And, even though the M&Ms smelled amazing and the chips and salsa looked to-die-for, I resisted. And I was proud of myself for doing so! Victory number one.

Victory number two was in the way of relationships. I had great conversations yesterday with my friends David and Pam. Pam is who I learned of this diet from; she's lost a lot of weight and looks even more amazing than she already did. She's beautiful, inside and out, and she believes in me! David is an amazing example of doing things the right way. He's also lost a crazy amount of weight, and has maintained it for years now. He looks great, feels great and is a great support system for me. Both of them gave me encouragement yesterday when I needed it the most. I am so thankful for good, lovely people in my life.

Yesterday's big failure came in the form of dinner. My hamburger was a little over cooked and my cucumbers on the grill idea didn't work out at all. BLECH! So, I ate my burger, tossed the cucumbers, and went to my meeting. I had strawberries as a late night snack.

All in all it's been fine, but I'm still hungry a lot and still tired and have headaches. This morning I woke up around 5 with a migraine - ugh. I decided to try and take my multi-vitamin in the morning. Maybe that will help with the energy.

It's been a week since I had a diet coke. That's the longest I've gone in a long time. Today was all about will-power as I drove by both the Circle K and the McDonald's on my way to work. Surely one won't derail right? But I'm going to hold out. I did discover this morning that I think I can have Iced Tea. I sure hope that's right. That would make such a difference in my being sick of water and getting a little caffeine in my body!

I was really hoping today would be the day I could say I lost 10 lbs. But, I am .2 away still. GRRR. Hopefully tomorrow will by my things that weight 10 lbs post - it's always amazing to think that's what I've been carrying around on me just because I'm too lazy sometimes to eat properly.

Day 8: A Little Cheat, A Little Guilt

Yesterday was one of the hardest days on the diet yet. I don't really know why. I was tired. I was sitting at my desk all day. I wanted something fun to eat. I didn't want to sit and eat another veggie, another fruit, another...ugh.

So, yes, I cheated a little. I had a piece of candy. I ate mustard on the hamburger I had for dinner. And yes, I feel a little guilty about it. But my sweet friend Liz helped put it in perspective for me this morning. She said, "if you feel badly about spilling a little milk, you don't just dump the gallon on the floor." Before, for me, cheating a little meant the whole day, maybe even the whole week was ruined. I convinced myself I couldn't do it, that I would fail, that I was a failure.

Liz helped remind me that I'm not. No, cheating isn't ideal. But it's okay. It happens. What matters is how I react to the cheating. I can either freak out, consider everything I've done a loss and be angry. Or, I can just admit it happened, be okay with it and move forward. For the first time in my life-long battle with food I am learning to move on.

Yesterday I also read a lot of studies and concerns about this diet. I managed to freak myself out a little bit. Tim and I talked through a lot last night and I've decided that I'm going to stick with it, at least for now. I am going to up my calories a little, though. Because I'm still feeling gross, lightheaded and a little weak. I'm not going to add extra calories with "bad" food, though. Right now I'm planning on adding an extra serving of fruit. Because at some point I have to be able to eat more than 500 calories and not make myself sick or immediately gain all the weight back.

Day 7: Another Monday

Sorry for the grumpy post yesterday. I was feeling very sorry for myself and wanted to have a bit of a pity party, apparently. I also get emotional when I don't feel well, so that, added to the diet frustrations, didn't make for a good day.

I'm determined to make today better. I'm still not feeling great. I'm wondering if it is my body detoxing, but I thought I would feel better after that happened, not worse. Interesting. Or, I could just be fighting some random sickness. Who knows. I also started taking a daily vitamin again. I don't know if that affects things or not.

Goals for today:

• Drink at least 6 of my Tervis tumblers (the big one) of water. I am SICK of water already. I know it's fine and healthy, but it's BORING!!
• Stay on protocol (I haven't cheated yet, even though I have sooooo wanted to)
• Survive my first group experience tonight. We have small group, and I'm sure it will be great. I just don't want to be tempted with foods (even though there probably won't be much there)
• Go to bed early and catch up on my rest
• Have a better, more positive attitude about this experience.

Food today:
Breakfast: Drops, 1 full Tervis of water, Coffee
Lunch: Drops, 1 full Tervis of water, remainder of soup mixture I've had the last two days, Melba
Dinner: Drops, 100g lean steak, 1/2 cup strawberries, 1 cup cucumber, Melba

In the first 5 days of tracking my weight, I've lost 7.8 lbs. I'm impressed with that number, but still wish it were more. I also realize that it's about a pound a day, which is what the protocol said would be likely. I have some goals for myself, though. Losing another 8 lbs will put me at my first milestone. Hopefully, with this weight loss continuing, that will happen sometime next week!

Day 6: Not the most positive post in the world.

Warning: Today I don't feel well, I'm tired and I'm doing a fantastic job feeling sorry for myself. Read on with caution.

Last night I had a hard time sleeping. I woke up with a sore throat, an upset stomach, achy and just not feeling well. And, as a result, I am feeling sorry for myself and hateful toward this diet today. When I'm sick, I want comfort foods. I want Popsicles to sooth my throat, sprite and chicken & stars. I want ginger ale and the comfort of the bubbles in my throat. I don't know how much of this is my body fighting something and how much of it is the detox from day 4 of eating very little, but I am not a happy camper today.

This morning's weight loss wasn't great either. Just 1/2 a lb. I know it's still a loss, but feeling as gross as I am it just doesn't seem worth it. I would love some carbs and sugar today. I know this is where the discipline comes in, but I don't like it! And then, I get mad at myself for letting it get so out of control again. I hate that I've gained and lost the same 10 lbs a whole bunch of times in the last few years. I hate that I've let my body go, that I've gotten to the point where I am ashamed of myself. That it's my own fault for being here, in this position, and now having to deny myself what I enjoy because I have an issue.

I've cried some tears today. I've felt sorry for myself and sick of not getting to do the things I love and eat the foods I love. Because, I love food. I love eating and celebrating and sharing a meal. And I hate that I don't feel like I can do that now.

For posterity, keeping in mind I haven't felt well all day:

Breakfast: drops, water
Lunch: drops, 1 medium orange
Dinner: drops, same chicken mixture from last night, but only ate about half. No Melba toast. I may eat that for a snack in a bit if the soup sits okay.

Tomorrow I'll try to be more positive; right now I'm just blah.

Day 5: Cravings and Tired

It's Day 5. Another good day, scale-wise. However, I have been more emotional today and definitely more tired than I have been thus far (I know, it's only been 3 days).

I woke up a little sick to my stomach and with a massive migraine. Both have now gone away, so that is good. I don't have a lot to say about the diet today. It's going. It's going to be a long, hard 40 days. I know it will be worth it in the end, but right now I really want a piece of peppermint bark.

Had I to do over again, I would do my load days totally differently. I would eat a lot more food, for one thing. I would think about what I crave the most and load up. I would EAT instead of just eat.

Breakfast: Drops, green tea

Lunch: Drops, egg whites, Tomato slices, cucumbers cooked just enough to make the softer, Melba toast, water (I'm already really tired of only drinking water).

This meal wasn't as filling as I would like. Protocol says to have three egg whites and one whole egg to substitute your protein. I didn't have whole eggs and just had egg white egg beaters, so I made do. I was hungry quickly.  And, despite how many people on the Internet think the opposite, tomatoes are fruits not vegetables.

After going shopping at Sam's Club, I was in a grumpy mood. Samples everywhere. And I picked up breakfast for the media team (sweets, mostly). While I was in the store it started to downpour. My strawberries popped open in the rain. By the time I got home, I was tired, starving, soaked and frustrated.

For dinner, I decided to make a variation of a recipe I saw on an HCG diet blog. The only difference being I used chicken instead of beef since I had chicken that wasn't frozen.

Dinner: 100g chicken, 1/2 can diced tomatoes (no sugar/oil/sodium added), 1/2 cup water, 1 tsp chili powder, 2/3 cup sliced celery, pepper. I threw it all in a pan and got it nice and hot.

YUMMY. It was so good. I actually feel almost full for the first time in days. I used my second Melba toast to soak up some of the juice after I ate all the yummy stuff in it. I will be making this a lot. It's tasty, hot and satisfied that need for some hot soup on a cold day.

I've had a much harder time getting all my water in today, as well. I'm hoping I don't see that on the scale tomorrow. I added a tsp of lemon to my water to make it have a little taste after dinner. Time to chug!

Day 4: Why Do Mashed Potatoes Smell So Good?

I survived my first low-cal day. I had a pretty good headache going by the end of the day and I went to bed hungry, but I did it. I didn't cheat. I didn't snack. I didn't even lick the mashed potato spoon when I was putting dinner away (even though I SOOOO wanted to).

I had to run a couple errands after work, so by the time I got home, I was feeling pretty down. I was hungry and tired and I didn't think I could do this thing. Part of me was ready to throw in the towel and cheat, just a little. But, instead I bought a food scale (because I have no idea where my other one is), measured out my dinner, and ate.It helped that my husband is such a huge supporter. He even bought me a card to tell me how proud he was of me for trying this.

Now, don't let the size of that steak fool you. It was about 1/4 of an inch thick! That is 100g of extra lean sirloin right there. Tim's plate look similar, except he had mashed potatoes instead of cucumber. You should know mashers are my favorite. So not eating them last night was definitely the discipline part of the diet. But I did it!

And this morning, I did what I was supposed to do. I stepped on the scale. And, according to that bane of my existence, I was 3.8 pounds lighter than the same time 24 hours prior. Now, I know that could be a number of things and may not indicate a true loss. But, my fear was I would make it through yesterday and it wouldn't make any difference on the scale. Whew.

So, today is day 2. I woke up hungry. I'm drinking a big ol' glass of water before getting some coffee. I made lunch last night:

Apple, broccoli, cottage cheese and melba toast. I won't be eating cottage cheese this much normally, it was just quick and easy when I haven't had a good day to sit down and portion out my meats and foods!

Dinner tonight will be pretty much exactly the same as last night. Then over the weekend, I am going to find some good recipes/ways to prepare food. Otherwise this is going to get old fast. I am a little nervous about what the weekend will bring. Lots of time at home and that will mean lots of times when I normally snack...plus I'm already a little sad about not eating out after church. I know it will be worth it, but it's still hard!

Day 3: Hungry Yet?

So, today is the first real day of the whole dieting portion of this plan. I got up, made my lunch, took my drops and got in the car. So far, it's been okay, but I'm not going to lie. I'm hungry.

Here is the food plan for today.

Breakfast: Drops, Coffee (black - bleh, but I'm determined to get used to it).
Lunch: Drops, 1/2 medium cucumber, 1 melba toast, 100g of non-fat cottage cheese, water
Snack: 1 small apple, water
Dinner: Drops, 1/2 medium cucumber, 1 melba toast, 100g lean beef, 1/2 orange, sparkling water
Snack: 1/2 orange, water or tea

Looking at it all written out, wow, that's not a lot of food at all. But I know it will be worth it in the end. Or at least in a few days. Right now I have a headache and it's just the end of my lunch break. Apparently Pam told my hubs that the first two days are the worst. I can imagine.

I feel good about taking control of my body today. At lunch, I was offered a yummy ice cream sandwich. I turned it down. It may have been a small thing, but it was a big thing to me. I also bought an APP for my iPad/iPhone to help me track what I'm eating, etc. I know I will need to work out, too, but not until I get used to eating less food. I'm afraid I'll pass out otherwise.

The goal is really just to get through today and tomorrow. Then, Saturday I can plan meals, portion meat, etc. I also need to find some good recipes, because I can already see that this could get dull fast!

Day 2: Eat What You Love

The first two days of the diet are interesting. You start taking the drops, but you eat high-fat, yummy food that you love. It seems counter-intuitive, but all the literature talks about how important this phase is. And, I'll be honest, I embraced it. Tuesday was full of favorite, carb-rich foods and some of my favorite bubbly beverages.

The Drops: They're fine. Vaguely medicinal tasting. By the time you wait the 15 seconds after putting them under your tongue, they're mostly absorbed. It's interesting. I don't know the science behind how that works. I have a feeling lunch is going to be the hardest part of taking the drops. I am not advertising this to a lot of people - I don't know why. Maybe it's part of that shame thing I'm still working through. So today I had to take my drops in the restroom at the restaurant we went to for lunch. I did it, though. And that was a small success, because before I would have probably skipped them and told myself I was going to fail.

I think one of the reasons I can stick with this is because my husband believes in me. He is also willing to not eat out, to not tempt me and to eat healthier in support of me. I have a feeling Sundays will be the hardest. I usually get a pastry from the media booth for breakfast and then we go out for lunch afterward. And for the next 6 Sundays, at least, that won't be possible. And part of me is sad about that because I want to do what I love. I want to eat out with friends. I want to break bread together. I want to not have this issue.

I'm angry that I've let my weight get out of control again. And I'm letting that be the voice in my head instead of the voice that says this is temporary and this can change.

Today is another day of good foods and a big ol' Polar Pop.

I'm trying to stay positive, but I'm already so nervous that I will fail. That people will be disappointed in me. That I will disappoint myself.

Day 1: Why This? Why Now?

It's no great secret that I've had an issue with weight for most of my life. I've always been heavy. I've always hated it about myself. I've always struggled to lose weight, to maintain loss, to feel comfortable in my own skin...and I'm just plain sick and tired of it.

I've tried weight watchers. It worked the first time. And, I'm sure it would work again if I was disciplined enough to really stay on program (although the most recent versions confuse me).I come up with excuses every single time. Why I don't lose weight. Why I can't stop eating certain foods. Why I am just going to be like this forever.

I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of feeling like a failure.
I'm sick of feeling like I can't do it.
I'm sick of being the fat girl.
I'm sick of being embarrassed by my body.
I'm sick of letting my weight keep me from embracing life.
I'm sick of this part of myself.
I'm sick of letting it control me.
I'm sick of not doing something about it.
I'm sick of excuses.
I'm sick of failure.
I'm sick of shame.

So, today I start the HCG Diet. I'll be honest, had I just looked it up online, I would have assumed it was a scam; a gimmick to get me to spend good money on something that will not really work. I would have almost let myself be talked into it, but I would not have done it. But, my friend Pam has done it. She's smart. She's healthy. She loves food. And she's lost a good deal of weight (weight I didn't know she even needed/wanted to lose). She looks great. She feels great. And she did it.

So, I've started. It's going to be hard. It's going to be limiting. It's going to be a lot of work. But, here's the thing. I feel like I can do it. It will be a sacrifice. It will mean saying no to eating out, to comfort foods, to soda, to everything I think I cannot live without (food-wise). But I can do it. It's not forever. It's about detoxing. Teaching my body to crave good foods. To allow splurges and enjoy treats.

It's about taking control of this thing that has always controlled me.